Paul Harvey
As a kid, growing up in Jasper, TX, I remember my grandmother listening to the local radio station every morning. At the time KTXJ was the go to radio station for music (mostly country), news, local sports, and weather in Jasper and the surrounding area. However, there would be another segment that I really loved to hear. It was Paul Harvey. Some of you who are my age and older, probably remember Paul Harvey. Paul Harvey was known for telling stories and giving social commentary. He would spin yarns and would use such vivid descriptions of the settings and surroundings that you were sure, in that moment, you were there. He would give you details and anecdotes to draw you in and hook you so that you would listen intently until what you thought was the end. Paul Harvey had the perfect radio voice also. It was full, deep and clear. His voice was essentially the “Keith Morrison” of his time. And if you know who that is, then you are a True Crime junkie.
The Rest Of The Story
When Paul would get to what you thought was the end of his story and there was no more to be told, he would famously say, “And now, the rest of the story.” He would then begin to talk about a lot of background and behind the scenes information on either the characters or events in his story. Usually, this information was the revealing of the motivation for what happened, or the revealing of the name and identity of the characters in the story. You can still hear a few of Paul Harvey’s recordings on YouTube. I sometimes look them up so I can hear his deep resonate voice tell a story. It would fill me with so much nostalgia. And help me remember the simpler times of my life.
And although his social commentary may have been written in the 1950’s or 60’s, it’s still just as relevant today.
The Rest of My Story
A lot of people have complimented me on how well they think I have been handling Kandi’s death. I try to tell them things have been pretty rough, but they insist that I have been dealing with it so well.
Unbeknownst to a lot of people is the fact that throughout this time I have made what I think are some pretty big mistakes. There have been some decisions that I have made and actions that I have taken that I have regretted. A lot of the motivation behind the mistakes I made was my colossal fear of being alone for the rest of my life. The loneliness I felt and the silence in the house could get so loud at times. Also, I don’t like pain. Whether it is physical or emotional, I can’t stand to be in pain for any length of time. So therefore, I will try to avoid as much pain as I can. When Kandi died, I automatically went into pain avoidance mode. I didn’t want to hurt or feel alone. So what was my solution? I began to immediately look for . . . companionship. I began quickly to ask people out. I did have a couple of lunch dates. There were the rejections also. Now please. I beg of you. Don’t judge me too harshly. At that time, I was deathly afraid of being alone. After Kandi passed, I was terrified of what was going to happen in my future. I guess in a way, I lost faith. My grief was overwhelming. Again the loneliness was overbearing. I couldn’t believe what all had happened in such a short time. My brain was in complete panic mode. I was completely disoriented and unable to make rational decisions. However, the denial that I was in, had me believing I had everything under control. So beginning my “Chapter 2” that early made complete sense.
“Chapter 2”
It’s described in various ways. “Chapter 2”, “Moving Forward”, “The Next Phase”, “A New Beginning”, “The Next Chapter”. It describes that time after becoming a widow/widower that you entertain the idea of a new love – a new person. Essentially, a new life.
Some people believe they could never remarry or entertain the idea of a new love. They feel that their late spouse was the love of their life, their only soul mate and there will never be anyone else. And that is perfectly fine. However, for others, like me, soon after Kandi’s a Chapter 2 felt like a necessity. I mean, God said it was not good for me to be alone, right? Even Abraham had his “concubines” and married Keturah after Sarah died. So when Kandi died, the idea of me being by myself for possibly a pretty long time made me very afraid. As I said before. I love my times of solitude, but I couldn’t stand loneliness. There is a difference. And I couldn’t fathom the idea of living out the rest of my days and then dying alone.
Someone Interested
After a couple lunch dates, I connected with someone who was a little interested and a little interesting.
This person was someone I had previously known. We were strictly platonic of course, but I always viewed them as someone of very good quality and character. And very attractive to boot.
Survival Mode
I think in some way, my heart was trying to protect itself from the most extreme pain and heartache it had ever known to this point in life. I was so afraid of being alone and having to face the pain of loneliness and the loss of Kandi for an extended period that I wanted (or needed) a way to avoid all of this. Plus, be able to move forward with my life, or so I thought.
It was a matter of survival for me. When people spoke to me about “years of grief” or “the pain of loneliness”, I didn’t want anything to do with that. I wanted immediate relief from this pain of loss and loneliness.
Fast and Furious
We took our relationship pretty fast. Too fast. There were lots of red flags, that as I look back in retrospect, I ignored. There were things that I allowed to happen that under normal circumstances would have never been acceptable by me and my standards. It’s amazing how the feelings of fear and desperation can drive a person down the wrong path.
Communication, or the lack thereof, was a major problem. Our styles of communication were not the same and this created some major problems.
There was also a difference in values, or things we both considered important. Again, having ignored these and several other red flags for me, was because of my need for companionship. Now I’m not saying this person was not a good person, but she, like me, had some unresolved issues to work on also.
In the end, the relationship was unsustainable. However, at the end of the day, no loss comes without a lesson or lessons learned.
Obvious Boundaries Ignored
Call them boundaries or rules of engagement, these are some things I have taken from that whole experience. I put them here hoping that they may be able to help someone else in the same or similar situation.
“Fools rush in” – First and foremost, I needed to slow down and grieve. Even though I had this mortal fear of being alone, I needed to slow down. First, I had to deal with the idea of being alone. This is a lie. If I am a child of God, I am never alone. The prophet Elijah, in his depressed state, thought he was alone. God told him that there were seven thousand other prophets still loyal. God has promised never to leave or forsake us. In Joshua 1:9, God told Joshua to not fear. Be strong. Be courageous. He will be with him wherever he goes. I have to lean hard on these truths and many others like them. I need to allow my brain to slowly heal and recalibrate. Even though I know I will never fully heal from the trauma of Kandi’s passing, I know that I can rewire my brain so that I can move forward in life in a healthy way and enjoy my moments of solitude.
Figure out who I am now. Who am I in this moment? Who am I physically, emotionally and spiritually? I returned to the gym to become more physically fit and healthy. Emotionally, I have re-engaged with my therapist and will be talking to a life coach in order to rediscover who I am on an emotional and spiritual level. This is going to take time. This is another reason to make every effort to slow my brain down. I was married to Kandi for almost thirty years. We had plans and dreams. Some of which were not yet realized. So therefore, I need to discover who I am post marriage to Kandi.
Don’t deny who I am for someone else. In some ways, I surrendered who I was in order to attract this person. I denied parts of who I am and things I like to do to impress them. From now on, I promise myself that I am going to be authentically me. My “Chapter 2” will have to appreciate me for me.
The football loving me. They need to love me when I’m coaching or being a football official. Or simply just to sit and enjoy a game.
The faith loving me. The me that serves as a shepherd looking out for those that God has placed under my care.
The family loving me. The me that loves watching my son learn new bbq’ing tricks and coaching his players on Thursday and Friday nights. And watch him spend time with his wife as they care for all of their dogs and fish (no grandkids yet).
The me that loves watching my daughter as she sings (like her mother) in the Pride Chorus. Or when she knits a new sweater. Or hangs out with her boyfriend.
The me that loves my bonus child, my niece as she graduates with her Masters in counseling. Or as she raises her pre-teen daughter and navigates life with her partner. This, and a whole lot more is me.
Don’t allow anyone to disrespect me and I won’t disrespect myself. Kandi and I, along with another couple at church, taught a marriage class once entitled “Love and Respect”. The premise of the twelve week series is that wives primarily need love. While husbands primarily need respect. In some ways, I felt disrespected and I didn’t say anything about it. In doing so, I ended up disrespecting myself. That is something that I will not allow to happen in the future. In the movie “Harlem Nights”, Della Reese’s character Vera told Eddie Murphy’s character Kid, “You gon’ learn to respect me!” As she levied a steady barrage of punches on his head (I added this for a good laugh).
No “private” relationship – I will never do this again. First of all, I believe there is a difference between being in a relationship where you keep people out of your business and being secretive. I believe in setting the proper healthy boundaries with people where they will learn not to pry or snoop around in my life. For me, trying to conceal a part of my life from close family and friends feels almost disingenuous. I happen to live some/parts of my life in the open. As I’ve gotten older, I care even less about what people think. This doesn’t mean I will be brash, mean or disrespectful. However, I want to be free to live my life and “live it more abundantly.” I will tell (the appropriate) people that I am “seeing someone” without giving away any pertinent details until the appropriate time.
Set healthy boundaries – I have always believed in having boundaries and not walls. There is a difference. It’s like the difference between a stone wall fence around your yard and a chain link fence. The stone wall blocks the view and keeps everything that is out, out and in what is in. At least with a chain link fence, one can still see through it and will allow for a breeze to blow through. Boundaries give me the opportunity to say yes or no to a thing. While walls always say no. I let my boundaries go this last time. I want to make sure I keep my boundaries up and intact from now on, but I don’t want the hurt that I have experienced to cause me to put up walls that block out good people and positive experiences.
Protect my heart – Especially at this time and this is a priority. I’m normally a soft hearted person. Very sensitive. I am going to be very protective of what and who I expose my heart to. There are many things that can be said or done that would be innocent enough under normal circumstances. However, with me grieving as such, I have to be very protective of what I hear, see or do. Max Lucado, in his book “Tame Your Thoughts” calls this practicing picky thinking.
Steer away from emotionally unstable people – When I was in my teens, I loved roller coasters. I loved the slow climb right before that first drop. It was such an anticipatory build up. And then, the big fall. It would seem almost like a straight drop. Then the rest of the ride, there were twists, turns, loops, forward, backward. More ups and downs. Just crazy exciting. As I got older, I grew disenchanted with roller coasters. I don’t like all of the excitement. I just like the smooth easy rides now. Like going down a lazy river.
It’s the same way in my social life. In the book of James it says “a double minded man is unstable in all his ways.” One thing I loved about my late wife, was that she was very consistent and straightforward in what she said. If she said it, she meant it. There was no one day she loved me. The next day she didn’t know. The next day she didn’t love me. Then two weeks later she missed me. One week after that, she wasn’t sure if this was going to work out. Kandi was very intentional about life and the way she expressed herself. Her words carried weight and I could always trust that what she said was how things were going to be.
That has spoiled me now. So from now on anyone I come in contact with, I am hoping, trusting and praying they are the same. So whenever I come across any inconsistencies, I’ll be getting away very quickly.
So those are my boundaries that I have determined thus far. They may change or evolve as I move forward in life. Also, those are general boundaries for all relationships that I may become exposed to. Whether it is friendships, church, coworkers, family as well as any romantic interest. The next list involves my needs. These are needs that I have identified for me in this moment. Again, these may change or evolve as I move forward in life.
My needs (in this moment and possibly beyond)
Someone to be patient with me through my grief and allowing me to grieve – I’m going to have moments of sorrow, sadness and fear. Confusion and uncertainty. This is uncharacteristic of me. However, in this moment, I need someone to understand that I am probably suffering from PTSD and my emotions are going to be all over the place and the ability to make decisions is drastically diminished. Kandi’s illness was fast. My brain quickly became accustomed to rapidly changing circumstances. I have just now come to realize that one of the effects of this mental trauma is how my brain went into a warp speed hyperactive mode. Now that I recognize this, I have begun working on ways to recalibrate and slow my thinking and mental processing down.
Assurance and Reassurance that whoever is in the capacity of friend or special relationship will always be there through my grief – Right now, I am clingy, needy, fearful and uncharacteristically lonely. I want someone to be there in my physical presence. If they are not there or not able to be there, I need to be reassured that I am missed and how much they would love to be with me. Even if they are tired or emotionally unavailable and require their own alone time, I would love to hear that I am still a priority and once their emotional “cup has been filled” they will be present for me. Again, this is uncharacteristic of me. During our marriage, Kandi would always want to be in my presence. If I moved to one room to sit and watch TV or take a nap, she would follow me. There were times, a lot of times, this would irk me. But now, I yearn for it. Honestly, I would give anything to have her in my shadow at every turn right now. In the meantime, I am learning to appreciate the alone time. It was when the prophet Elijah was alone, he heard the whisper of God. Even while he was depressed, he could still hear God. So this is my time to listen for God and his Spirit’s guidance.
Just to be held during the valley moments – In those moments when I am experiencing another “first” or even a “second”, when my grief has been triggered, I’m going to need to be held, hugged, hand held. Some form of actual physical contact. One of my love languages is physical touch. Physical touch has a way of helping my brain slow down. When I am having an anxious moment, it’s physical touch that helps to calm me down. My muscles relax. My breathing slows to a normal rhythm. My brain slows and I’m reassured that the world is still spinning at its normal speed.
Extra attention. More than my normal amount. I don’t view this as a weakness. My cup is empty. My soul is starved. I want to be refilled as fast as I can in order to feel confident again. And to be able to be there for others.
Lots of Affirmation – As I am uncharacteristically unsure of who and what I am, and where my place and purpose are right now, I need extra affirmations of my purpose and importance. I need extra positive feedback to help build me up where this whole experience has all but destroyed me. This was actually one of Kandi’s major strengths. She used her superpower of affirmation and encouragement to build and shape me into the type of man she desired. Before I knew it, I was catering to her needs and desires. When we first got married, Kandi was very blunt and direct. Her words could be very sharp and piercing. Kind of like the Bible says of itself, “sharper than any two edge sword.” However, I quickly informed Kandi that if she wanted me to step up, she will need to pull back her words a little. Her initial response was “why do I have to walk on eggshells around you? Why can’t I just say what I want to say?” I told her, if you do that, being the type of person that I am, I will shut down. So, Kandi learned to “hone her delivery”. Once she did that I was like puddy in her hands. She could shape and mold me into just what she desired.
Appreciate my being too available – Since grief is “love with no place to go, please understand I am trying to find a place to “go”. Acts of service is another one of my love languages. During our marriage, I can probably count on one hand how many times Kandi put gas in her own car. One of the first pictures that Kandi took of me was of me washing her car a couple days after we returned home from our honeymoon. She NEVER had to have her car serviced. I took care of that. I am accustomed to doing these things. I am accustomed to being available. Some see this as a weakness, but I was raised to be that way. It’s a part of my identity as a man.
Not My List Of Qualities
Someone may say that I’m putting my list out as to what I want in my “Chapter 2”. I disagree.
For one, these are not lists of the qualities that I am looking for in a wife or romantic partner. That list is between God and I. That’s because I’ve learned from dating Kandi and being married to her for thirty years, is that when I check with God first and allow Him to have input on my list, I can be more successful. Its a story for another time, but Kandi and I both concluded that we were NOT each other’s type. We both had to surrender our “lists” to God.
Secondly, I know that there are other widows/widowers out there that are trying to figure out how to navigate this part of their newly found singleness. I made mistakes and I don’t want others to make the same mistakes. I hope this can help others discover their boundaries and needs in this phase of their life.
Compound Grief
I’m not a gambler. So why did I gamble with my emotions at such a critical time? As I stated earlier – Fear, Panic. Anyway, I lost! Now, my grief is compounded. Google defines compound or cumulative grief as suffering multiple losses in close succession. Losses like a death, followed by the loss of a job or a relationship. This creates a situation where grief has been layered. This makes the recovery that much more challenging.
Another lesson learned for me is there are no shortcuts to this. You have to go through the whole grief process. Just trying to circumvent or ignore it only leaves or delays unresolved grief. And one day, it will come back on you. It will end up hurting you and you will end up hurting others, like those you love.
Double work
So now, I have to work extra to overcome this double shot of grief because of this dual loss. It can get confusing at times. Where is the moment of grief coming from? Is it a flashback from a time with Kandi? Or is my heart hurting from something that this most recent attempt at a chapter two? Is it loneliness from losing Kandi? Or . . . Was there some memory of something that “chapter two” did that triggered a flashback from my time with Kandi?
There are a lot of confusing feelings and emotions after one loss, but when there are multiple losses in close timing, things get complicated. Really messy. Really fast.
Never Alone
In recent weeks, as my brain has begun to heal, I’ve relearned to love my alone time again. Now, I look forward to coming home at the end of the day, after work, after the gym and sit in the quietness and peacefulness. Just my Rottie Zara and I, some days with a good flavored cigar and a Jack and coke. This is my recharge time. This is a purposeful time to allow my brain to slow down.
I’ve also learned that I am never alone. My Abba Father is always with me. I have friends and family always checking on me. My life is full of love.
No Chapter Two Right Now
I’m not looking for a relationship right now. I want to take some time to concentrate on myself and build myself up. I’ve been through a lot, and I’ve put myself through a lot unnecessarily, so I want to take this time to sort some things out and figure out where I am spiritually, emotionally, and psychologically.
I know that God has me. I know that my family has me. So I really want to take the time to spend time and build closer bonds with my kids. And watch them as they continue to grow into their lives. I think this is a really golden period of time as they grow and as they become adults. And I’m pretty sure they need a dad. A mentor to help them through this time. And I want to be there, so that’s where I am right now. Maybe companionship, someone to hang out with here and there, but for now, I don’t need to be with anyone in a romantic capacity.
So what would I say to those who are newly widowed and new widowers? Take your time. Don’t rush it. Find out who you are. Find out who you are as an individual. Don’t rush into trying to be in a relationship if you don’t have to. If you run across someone or you meet someone, take your time. Slow down. If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. Try not to rush into it and rush through it. Remember fools rush in.
So when it is time and I enter into “Chapter 2”, I will be ready and they will be ready for me. Then we can begin “A New Story”.