I never told my mother I loved her while she was alive. Not because I didn’t love her, but because we were never raised that way. As I’ve come to find out, that was common in families back then. Love was never, or hardly ever expressly verbalized. The common retort was that “we may not say it, but we display it.” That’s my paraphrase. I used to hear preachers, in their sermons, tell the story of a wife who complains to her husband that he never tells her he loves her. The husband’s reply would be “I told you once on our wedding day and if anything changes, I’ll let you know.”
Lessons Learned
When Kandi and I were engaged and were planning our lifetime together, one of the things we discussed was children and parenting styles. Would we be old school parents? New school parents? A mix of the two? Would we use corporal punishment or timeouts or “Ima knock you out??”
“What’s the difference between old school and new school parenting? If you can complete this sentence, you were raised by old school parents. “Children are to be ____ and not ____.” Put your answers in the comments.
Since I was so much younger than my siblings, I actually got to observe how they raised their kids. I got an opportunity to see firsthand how generational cycles worked and are passed down. There were things I saw them doing with their kids that either I liked or I didn’t like.
Even though I never told my Mom (or my dad for that matter) that I loved them, I never heard it from them either. Like I said, that’s how it was. It was an uncommon and uncomfortable thing to do in some families. So it wasn’t done.
However, how many people were left with a hole in their soul because they never heard these three words from their parents? Speaking for myself, I think I would have been more secure in my being. I believe knowing for sure that I was loved because I heard it and then have it demonstrated towards me would have probably helped me through a few dark times in my life.
Raising Boys To Men
What I saw in my family, especially with the males, was the idea that you had to be tough on them to make them into tough, strong men. Boys couldn’t cry. They couldn’t show or express any emotion. Even when emotion is warranted, none could be shown. Maybe that’s why there is more depression amongst men than women? Maybe that’s why the suicide rates are four times higher in men than women?
When my son was born, I first started raising him this way. I was tough on him, because I wanted him to be tough. However, I quickly realized that this was counter productive especially for our relationship. I realized that this was pushing us further apart. What I finally learned was that my son needed more affirmation. He needed to know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I loved him. Not only my son, but my daughter and my bonus daughter as well. I learned that they needed the reassurance of their father and husband and that I had their back.
But how would I do this? My father died when I was young and so I didn’t have a true example of what a father does with older children. I had no reference other than my siblings. What do I say? What do I do? In order to find the answer, I began to pray about it. And then one day, I got the answer.
It’s In The Bible
One day, as I was reading Matthew 3:16, 17 which is about the baptism of Jesus, it dawned on me! “If God had to tell His Son He loved him, then I REALLY need to tell my children that I love them!
Jesus was preparing to embark upon his earthly mission, his ministry. God knew the challenges that would be before him. And so The Good Father blessed his Son with four things.
His Spirit
Scripture said the Spirit of God descended from heaven like a dove and landed on Jesus’s shoulders. The Spirit is like a coat that would protect Jesus from the worldly and spiritual elements. It would be what guided Jesus also.
I realized I needed to be careful about the type of spirit that I gave my kids. Would it be a Spirit of fear? One that was always timid, frightful and full of doubt? Or one like Timothy says? That’s powerful, and self controlled and full of self confidence?
Just having an idea about how this world is, I knew my kids would need the Spirit of God in their lives. I knew they would meet challenges that only they could face and that I, nor their mother could go through for them.
If you read ahead to Matthew 4:1, you will see that same spirit that God gave Jesus, actually led Jesus INTO danger in order to be tested. When my daughter turned eighteen, she got a job as a lifeguard. Part of the training that she had to do was across town. So, on her 18th birthday, one rainy Saturday morning, I sent her off on her own, driving to Katy, TX for the training. The training was all day. So that meant she would have to drive back home by herself. This was the furtherest she had ever driven at that time, and she had to do it by herself. It was a two day training. So she had to do it again the next day. Before she left, I made sure she had her directions (this was right before GPS and Google maps was a regular thing) and I gave her a lot of verbal encouragement. What she didn’t realize at the time was how nervous I was, but I had faith that she could do it and that God would protect her. What I didn’t realize at that time was how mad she was with me for making her drive that far by herself. My son has had his own challenges that helped him mature and so did our niece, the bonus daughter.
God verbalized His Love
God said “This is my beloved Son”. In other words, He said “Son, I love you.” Jesus knew just how much God, His Father loved Him. That’s probably why when Jesus responded to Satan during the temptation, he could confidently say “Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word from God.” In other words, “Satan, I don’t trust you. But I trust my Father because He loves me.”
I make it a point as much as I can, to tell my kids I love them. I want them to hear it from me. It doesn’t matter what they do, or have done, I want them to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that I love them, and that won’t change. We are always hugging and very affectionate. I want them to know that my love for them is not conditional. It’s not based on if they are doing “everything right” or what I want them to do.
He Gave his son “Identity”
“This is MY son”. In Matthew 4, you see Jesus being tempted. When I ask people what was the first temptation from Satan, almost everyone says, “stones to bread”. Well, I disagree. I think the first temptation has to do with Jesus’s identity. Satan said, “IF you are the Son of God, turn these stones to bread.” In other words, “if you are God’s son, then prove it.”
There are so many people who are walking this earth and they don’t know who they are. And if their perceived identity is challenged in any way, they do all they can to prove themselves. When people don’t know who they are, or where they’ve come from and don’t have a healthy identity, they live life with a chip on their shoulder. They are very insecure, but try to hide their insecurity with a false sense of bravado. Kandi and I spent a lot of time teaching our children who and whose they are. We wanted to make sure they have a healthy identity. So that when their identity is called into question, whether in grade school on a playground or now that they’re grown and in their professional careers, they are not intimidated. Also, they never feel the compulsion to “prove themselves” in some negative or unwise way.
So Proud
Finally, God said “in whom I am well pleased.” In other words, “Attaboy! I’m so proud of you.” God was already proud of Jesus, because of what He had done, and what He was going to do. They both knew all that Jesus was going to endure. They both “understood the assignment”. They both knew what had to be done and the painful sacrifice that had to be made. However, it still didn’t stop God from reminding His Son how proud He was of him.
There is never a day that goes by that I don’t let my kids know how proud I am of them. This doesn’t mean that I agree with everything they do, or am happy with all of their decisions. However, I think about where they COULD be. And how bad off their lives could be, and I am reminded of what they have done and how resilient they are.
Proud of Them
I’ve always been proud of my kids. I have thoroughly enjoyed watching them all overcome all the challenges they have had to face in their lives. Erie, our bonus child has really had to go through so much. Now, to see her in grad school working on her Masters degree is amazing! Watching Kiana, our oldest, flourish in her career in biomedical engineering is a blessing. She is also finding herself in other ways as she explores different aspects of her social life. And then there is AJ, our youngest. It was so exciting seeing him on the sidelines this past football season coaching. Wearing a headset instead of a helmet. Teaching others all the things he’s learned.
I could never be ashamed or embarrassed of my kids. Of course, I may get disappointed at times. But not embarrassed or ashamed. One of the things we make sure to tell our kids is there is nothing they could do to stop us from loving them.
Life is too short and relationships are too important than to be sweating the non essentials. So for that matter, I tell my family, “you are my beloved, in whom I am well pleased.”
