I’m learning to discern that not just anyone can provide “anything you need” while you’re grieving. Grief can be a very confusing partner. There are a lot of things to discern during the grieving process. A lot of emotions, a lot of feelings. Grief can alter a person’s sense of time and direction.
During this early stage of my grieving, a lot of well meaning, well intended, compassionate and caring people have extended to me the usual “anything you need, just call” invitation. If you’re naive enough to go for this, you as a grieving person can easily be disappointed. I know everyone means well. However, not just anyone can do all the things I may need them to do. I’ve learned to discern what gifts and talents people may have when it comes to helping me meet my needs during this time. It’s taken a little bit of effort to do this. There were a few things I had to realize during this process.
First, I had to be honest with myself. It is very hard for me to ask, or receive help. This was actually one of those areas Kandi and I argued about sometimes. She knew how to ask and receive help from others and not feel guilty about it. I didn’t. I’ve always felt bad about having to ask for help. Throughout the process of her illness and transitioning though, I’ve had to learn. So many people stepped up in so many ways to help. From money to help with parking in the medical center and food to participating in the mealtrain (that’s still going on), to gifts, volunteering to help with whatever. It’s been so much that I think I became so overwhelmed with people helping, I was unable to say “no”. All of the generosity and acts of kindness literally incapacitated my pride. I didn’t know that could happen.
Secondly, I’ve learned to discern not to have certain expectations with certain people. One day, the thought crossed my mind that a certain person hadn’t contacted me lately to check on me. I quickly began to build up a slight resentment towards them. Then, I thought to myself, “Hey wait a minute!” They are not the soft, sensitive, ‘check up on you’ type of person under normal circumstances. Why should I expect that out of them now?” So I quickly realized, it’s not that they don’t care, it’s just that they care in their own special way. Afterall, you can’t expect a bush to offer the same shade as a tree. Let a bush be a bush and a tree, a tree. I knew that if I went to that person and asked them for financial or material assistance, they wouldn’t hesitate. Soft, sensitive and encouraging speeches just aren’t their thing.
Thirdly, I have to recognize my own communication pattern.
There are a few people that I may call periodically. However, I am not a phone person. I’m a texter. I would much rather spend ten minutes writing a three paragraph text message than spend five minutes on the phone verbally conveying the same message. I don’t know why that is so, but it is. And I understand this about me. I’ve also learned to explain this to others so they don’t take offense (consider yourself informed). This is possibly because at my very core, I am an introvert. Social interactions tend to drain me. My quiet time is when I recharge. I REALLY cherish my alone time.
In essence, I’m learning more about me and what my needs are. I’m also learning who to ask for what. Overall, I would like to point out and say I have been so blessed with the community that I have that’s checking in on me, making sure I am mentally well, emotionally stable and physically and spiritually fed. THANK YOU to all of you who have done whatever you have done. Even though I miss my “Lucy” (my pet name for her) terribly, you all have helped in so many ways to make this wilderness of grief a little bit easier to bear. God Bless you all!