So, the week of September 7th was a pretty rough week for me. The seventh of September marked the three month anniversary of Kandi’s death. At first, I didn’t consciously realize just how much this was messing with me. I knew that my anxiety was through the roof. I knew that I wasn’t sleeping well. I was feeling tired and drained. Nevertheless, I tried (though prematurely) to jump back into my “normal” old life. Which left little time for newly formed habits like reading my overcoming grief books and having a brief devotional for a few minutes in the morning. It seems as though I jumped back into just waking up and going full steam.
And grief snuck in . . .
It was the third month. Already in a very vulnerable state, I then exploded. And I exploded on a friend. I said some things and yelled in a way that took them to a place of trauma in their past that opened up old wounds that they didn’t realize they had. I gave the no respect. No decency. This is something completely uncharacteristic of me. So to that friend I went with tears in my eyes and sorrow in my heart and apologized profusely. To which they offered forgiveness, but a side eye just to make sure they can see if my volcano is going to erupt on them again sometime.
I felt – and still feel – horrible. Even though we’ve made amends, I still feel horrible. So once again to my friend, I am so sorry for what I did.
Even though I completely regret what happened, losing control like that was a valuable learning opportunity. I came to understand just how much I was allowing grief to control me. In the midst of my tearful apology to my friend, they reminded me that I have a choice. I can choose to be downtrodden, dejected, depressed. Or, I can choose . . . JOY!
Well, I choose JOY!!
Today, I choose JOY! Yesterday, I chose JOY. Tomorrow, I will choose JOY. I wanted to have a change of my mindset. Despite what all that has happened, I CHOOSE to have a joyous heart. I realized that I have been grieving the way people told me I should grieve. You know – all sackcloth and ashes.
When people ask me how am I doing my patented response has been “I’m living moment by moment.” But today, I’ve chosen to be happy – Joyous even. I choose to be happy despite the circumstances. I am not going to be sad because people tell me I should be.
“Take your time” they say. “It’s only been three months”. I get that and I understand that. However, my personality, my character will not allow me to sit by and allow grief to dictate to me what my mood and feelings should be. I know that there will be days when my emotions get the best of me. And that’s okay. However, I am no longer just going to allow grief to run my life. At least not without a fight. Some moments I’ll win. Some moments grief will have the better of me, and that is okay. At the end of that day, and the beginning of the next . . .
I CHOOSE JOY!!
Philipians 4:6-8