Have you ever been stranded? If you have, where was it? Have you ever been on a trip and had transportation trouble? I mean, have you ever been on a road trip and your vehicle breaks down and you end up stuck in some little po dunk town where there’s nothing to do? Or have you ever been on a flight and for some reason the flight gets delayed or canceled? Again, it’s not usually in a place where you would like to be stranded. Where there is something exciting or some major attractions that keep you occupied while your vehicle gets repaired or the flight is back on schedule. We are usually stuck somewhere we don’t want to be.
Well, just like car trouble or a delayed flight, I don’t want to be stuck in Grief! Imagine for a second if Grief was an actual place or the name of that little trashy po dunk town.
For me, Grief is not the destination. It’s a pass through. Grief is not my goal, but I know I have to go this way. There is no other way. I have to travel through this desolate, horrendous place. The place where my heart feels broken. Where my soul FEELS alone and where the fear of the unknown is disguised as a thick fog that clouds my visibility. In Grief is where the stillness and quietness is so loud, it’s deafening. In Grief, there is a sense of hopelessness and despair. You can just sense it once you enter the town.
The population of Grief is innumerable. But, it is such a lonely place. The demographics of Grief are so diverse. There are people here from all walks of life. The rich, the poor, all races, all ethnicities, young and old. Male, female and those who identify as other. Grief is so vast, but feels so lonely.
So whatever the reason we have all gathered in Grief, I do know this. We don’t want to stay. There are no five star hotels in Grief. Only the cheap, run down, seedy, rat and roach infested motels that can barely get one star on a yelp review.
If you’ve never been through Grief, don’t worry. Your time is coming. EVERYONE goes through Grief. The goal is to not stay. However, while you’re in Grief, there are some things you can do to help improve your experience – to make it better. Grief is a different experience for everyone. No two people will have the exact same experience while in Grief. And since I’m in Grief right now, here are some things that I’ve learned that have helped me improve my experience here. After all, I know I don’t want to get stuck here for longer than I have to. I have too many other, better places I’d rather be. These suggestions may just help you as you are in Grief to move through quicker and easier.
Be patient
First thing is, be patient. Even though you don’t want to stay in Grief, you don’t want to leave too quickly and end up coming back for the same reason. Allow the Grief mechanics to do a once over on your vehicle. Make sure the ticketing agent at the Grief international airport, for Grief airlines, gets your ticket information correct.
Let me speak plainly. While you are in Grief, make sure you learn to process your feelings and emotions. Allow you and your mind and soul time to heal. Repressing those feelings and emotions is unhealthy. It can cause more damage to your vehicle. Get professional help from a counselor or therapist to assist with repairing the damage if you have to. Sometimes things like this take time. No one should be tracking your time in Grief. Some people stay longer than others and that’s perfectly okay. My time processing Grief could be longer than yours, but shorter than someone else. And that is okay. Don’t rush out by denying, repressing or trying to ignore your feelings and emotions. Take the time to process all of this and learn to gently let go of the initial hurt while realizing there will always be an opening in your life for the rest of your life.
Be Social
Take the time to build new relationships and rekindle old ones that are healthy.
Also rebuilding your circle of relationships that are healthy can be a huge help. While in Grief, get to know some of the other people who are in Grief also. Join and attend a support group. Or simply build a core group of friends who can speak about their time in Grief and what they’ve done to move on out.
Another thing I thought about for myself is defining and/or redefining my boundaries in my relationships. I realize this is a precarious time for me while in Grief and that I must protect my heart, mind and soul. Setting healthy boundaries will help limit my exposure and hopefully protect me from being taken advantage of. Being courageous enough to say “No” to some at the right time can be a lifesaver.
Find things to do that are healthy/ helpful
While in Grief, there are things that you can do to help get through grief. As is obvious, one of mine is writing. Putting words to paper (or screen) helps to clear out and declutter my mind. Sometimes the things I write about bring tears. But this is welcome. Crying has a way of “cleansing the soul”.
Exercise can be very beneficial. Some people like to lift weights. Others find relief in crossfit, which is a culture of its own in some cases. There are crossfit competitions pitting various crossfit gyms against one another.
One of my other favorite pastimes is Cigars. There is nothing like a good, flavorful cigar, with a favored adult beverage to sip on, while I sit on my patio, in the garage or the local cigar lounge. Very relaxing. For me, it could be with friends or just as relaxing without.
For some, it’s music, sports, cooking or sewing. There are a lot of wholesome and healthy activities to do while in Grief to help get through grief. The idea is to get through grief. Eventually.
Realize you’re not alone in Grief
As I said before, the population of Grief is large and diverse. However, it can seem so lonely. The reality is that we are not alone while we are in Grief. Some of the activities aforementioned require us to meet others. We need community. Being alone all the time is not good. Even for an introvert like myself, I need the company and community of friends and family. One of the most comforting things to have while in Grief, is knowing that you are not alone even though you may feel as if you are alone.
Whatever causes us to go through grief, whether it’s death of a loved one, divorce, declining health of you or someone you know, job loss or loss of a relationship, grief is the only way through. I don’t want to be stuck in Grief. I resolved within myself to read the books, attend the classes. Just do whatever I have to do to get through Grief successfully. I mean, I know that there will always be a void in my heart, my soul for Kandi and what we shared. However, there is life, too much life to still be lived.
While writing this, I couldn’t help but think about one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite 70’s rock bands, The Eagles. The song is “Hotel California”. The song is basically talking about being stuck in a place you can’t get out of or escape from. Among all of the really good lyrics in the song is probably the most profound which is the last line of the whole song, right before the dueling guitar solo which says, “Relax said the night man. We are programmed to receive. You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave.”
Don’t get stuck!